It's Good to Listen

‘The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.’  George Bernard Shaw

When we speak, the expectation is that people are listening to what we say because when they speak, we are listening to them. 

Is this true?

How often do you fully listen to what someone is saying to you?  Most of the time, in a conversation, we are planning our reply or thinking of what witty response we’ll make.

How often do we just take in all of what is being said?

Most of you are probably thinking that you are great listeners but I’d like you to think about it.

Generally, when we are told we are great listeners, it’s because we are giving advice.  Our advice.  We go into our brain and pull out the similar situation, the remedy or the helpful tip. 

So, how can we be listening at the same time?

Communication is as much about listening to what is being said as it is about speaking.  When we are fully engaged in the conversation, we respond to more than the words.  We notice how the person is saying the words, what their face looks like and we can usually tell how they are feeling.  This is common with family, friendships, relationships and partnerships.

Just think how much we could learn if we tried this with the people we work with or other people who fill our day.  We can do this by making them the most important person in the conversation and giving them all our attention.

Next time, try a little silence in your own head and fully focus on the other person.

You’ll be amazed at how much more you’ll hear and what you’ll learn.

Learn to GROW

Learning to GROW

What are your ideas?  What inspires you?  How can you make your dreams a reality?

We need to GROW!

GROW is about setting GOALS, seeing if they are based in REALITY, exploring our OPTIONS to make them happen and finding the WILL to get it done.

Doesn’t that sound easy?

So, let’s start by seeing what your GOAL is.  What would your goal look like if you achieved it?  Describe it in as much detail as possible.  How will you feel, look, think, talk and work once it’s a reality?

Visualise it.  Live it.

Now let’s look at the REALITY of it.  What do you need to help you make it happen?  You have the idea and with grit and determination, you will find the resources. What are the obstacles?  What have you done about it so far?

Rate the REALITY out of ten.  If it’s eight or above, you’re on the right path.  Anything less, you might need to look at that GOAL again.

Okay, time to brainstorm.

What are the different ways you could approach this?  What resources do you need?  What OPTIONS will give you the most satisfaction?

What else?  What else?  WHAT ELSE? 

Push yourself.  Drain every last drop of inspiration from your mind.

When we have an idea or dream, we might not want to share it.  By sharing, you are creating awareness and taking responsibility.  People will know.  This can give you the WILL to succeed.

Look at the OPTIONS and choose the best one.  (It will be an eight or more out of ten!)  Break it down into small steps and spend 30 minutes a day on it. 

Thirty minutes a day is thirty minutes to GROW an new reality.

What's Right With Me?

How many nights have you tried to sleep but the negative self-talk is chatting away and telling you all the bad things you’ve done today and all the things you messed up? 

We spend so much time trying to be right, do right, think right, eat right and live right and yet when it comes to the crunch and something doesn’t go in a way we expect we think: what’s wrong with me? 

If we shift our perspective just a little and think that we are right and the situation was wrong, how much more quickly could we recover our balance and outlook?  We might even give that voice in our head something else to talk about.

Make a list of what is RIGHT with you and be grateful for every single thing.  There will still be things that go wrong but at least we can quieten that chatterbox by telling it: I am the right version of who I am because there can’t be another me. I own all the sides of me, negative and positive.

I am grateful for both the positive and negative things that have happened today.  I accept them and learn from them.  They don’t define me.

Thank you to everyone who has contributed to my day.  I am grateful.

What Beautiful Thing Could You Do Today?

On those days when your motivation is low and your spirit is lacking, there is a way to make the day worth that struggle to get out of bed: you could make someone’s day better.  A simple act of kindness that will bring a smile to someone’s lips is reason enough for you to be where you are on that day.  You have done something beautiful.

The act doesn’t have to be ambitious or costly; you could simply compliment someone on their outfit or hair.  Even if they don’t accept your compliment, you know that they are smiling on the inside.  They will carry that smile with them and will pass on the light and joy you’ve given them.

This act can be for a loved one, friend, colleague or stranger:  it doesn’t matter.  You are reading this now and you have made my day better knowing that the message is moving outwards.  You are creating a ripple of goodness.  Thank you for making me smile. 

Completing the list

Procrastination is probably the thing that I consider myself to be the most skilled at.

I have ability to find so many other things to do rather than the thing I’m supposed to do.  I don’t know how I manage to fill my day and do nothing.  It’s like a bad relationship that you know you should get out of but just don’t have the energy.  It’s time to stop so here are some ways to move on from your relationship with the long finger. 

1. Recognise that you have a problem.  You might feel like you are achieving so much but if you wrote down what you’ve done in a day, does it give you a sense of satisfaction?

2. Know that you can change.  It’s not part of your personality, it does not define you.  You can make a choice.  ‘I will achieve great things today’ can become your affirmation or mantra.  If this doesn’t work for you, change it to something that does.  Let’s do it!

3. Write a list of the things you want to do and then put them in the order of importance or difficulty. 

4. Be realistic with the number of things on the list and the amount of time you have.  You are not going to complete the assignment, learn French and paint the house in one day.   

5. Start with the most important or difficult.  The sense of achievement you feel from ticking that one off your list will motivate you to tick more.

6. Tick more.  The more you do, the easier it gets to keep moving to the end of the list. 

7. Reward yourself.  You ticked well.                                 

You're Beautiful

Why do we judge?  Is it to make ourselves feel better?  If we are putting someone down, does that build us up?  We judge with looks, words and clicks.  The words are done in the most behind the back way imaginable today: people sit and judge from behind their keyboard.  No one is safe.  It’s not just celebrities that should know of our disdain but anyone who posts a photo, comment or article. We judge.

We judge our family, our friends and complete strangers.  We form opinions based on what the person is doing, what they look like or how they talk.  The whole concept of first impressions last is based on a judgement of someone’s face.  Once we decide we don’t like a person’s face, their expression or their body language, that’s it for us.  You have put that person in a box that they will have to struggle to get out of. 

We can get out of that box and we can also take a person out of a box.

I would ask you to stop and think about what you don’t know about the person you are casting aspersions on: the bedraggled woman in the over-washed tracksuit pants could be nursing her newborn child, he woman who no longer comes out and socialises with us could be going through IVF but doesn’t want to let anyone know or the waitress whose English isn’t perfect because it’s the third language she speaks.

We need to work on what a first impression should be.  We need to change it from being one of judgement to a positive thought.  We need to shift our perspective.  Imagine if we all decided to see something positive about a person first.  A non-judgemental thought: that colour really suits her; I can’t believe English is her third language; she’s so brave, fearless, happy, free, open, enthusiastic, brilliant, kind, friendly, funny, engaging, eye-catching, warm… the list of positive things we get to think about a person is endless.  Our first impression is then a positive one and that can only lead to good things.  

Imagine how much happier our view of the world would be.

How to Create a Vision Board

This is something you have to give a bit of time and thought to.  What do you respond to best:  words, images or a mixture of both?  In our digitised world, there is probably an app for that but an app is something you have to make the effort to open and can be ignored whereas a physical board is not so easy to avoid.  

So here are my quick tips for creating a vision board.  If you want more detail, keep scrolling:

1. Visual reminders or pokes in the eye of your map of future plans and goals.

2. Be realistic.  Break big goals into smaller chunks.

3. Make your vision board make you happy.

4. Failure is learning.  Learning is growing. 

5. If you’ve learned something, you’ve already succeeded.  We rarely make the same mistake twice.

6. Use words, people or slogans to motivate yourself.  ‘just do it!’

7. Location, location, location.  Don’t hide your vision board away.

8. Celebrate your success.  It’s good for your brain. 

1. A Vision board is about having something to look at to remind us of our goals.  We are pretty much setting up a map for our future plans.  When we look at photos of holidays we have taken, we feel a physical and emotional sensation brought up by the associated memory.  We want to visualise our plans and goals and feel the emotions that will go with them.  This could be crossing the finish line of a 10km, getting that promotion or learning a new skill. 

2. It’s great to go big but try and be realistic.  If your plan is to run a marathon having never run for a bus, start smaller.  Decide on a 5km race and stick up your race number once you’re done.  That will spur you on to the 10km which is next on your board and keep going and motivating yourself with your previous successes.

3. Make sure your Vision Board is bringing the joy.  Are the ideas and plans working towards a happier you?  Although quitting your job and starting your own business might seem amazing, be sure it is going to bring you joy in the long-term. 

4. Be ready for failure.  Failure just means you’ve learned something you didn’t know before.  This could be that you need more time before running that 10km or that you’ve learned you enjoy spending money on things you enjoy than saving it all for a rainy day.  Change your focus and set a new plan or goal with this new knowledge.  We all fall but getting up is what helps us move on and be better at this game called life.  Motivation is key.  Just like Nike tell you to get out there and ‘Just Do It’, you need to find your own internal cheer squad.  What inspires you?  If it’s a person, put up there name or photo.  If it’s an expression, quote or slogan, write or stick that up too.  Then, when you need the motivation, read the words, look at the image or see the script.   

5. Decide where you are going to put your vision board.  It has to be somewhere you will see it on a daily basis such as your kitchen, bedroom or study.  It could always go right beside the TV as that would definitely be seen.  The size of your vision board and what it’s made of is up to you: corkboard, magnetic, whiteboard, chalkboard or heavy-duty cardboard all work. 

6. How will you celebrate your successes?  How will you use your goals achieved?  It’s important to revel in the moment and enjoy the feeling that comes with doing what you set out to do.  That way, when you look back on that goal you achieved, you can draw on that emotion to know that you’ve done it once and you can do it again.  Yes, you can. 

The Joy of the Vision Board

Seeing is Achieving

The idea of a vision board is something that I found to be a little bit self-indulgent and embarrassing.  Why would I want a visual reminder of what I wanted out of my life and, most likely, where I had failed in a achieving a goal?  I was missing the point. 

A vision board is like a poke in the side telling you to get on with it; it’s a smorgasbord of your goals laid out for your eyes to feast on and it then becomes a box tick of your successes.  When you have succeeded, you get that little buzz from looking at your vision board with a sense of satisfaction and, let’s be honest, smugness. I beat you, you taunting inanimate object of my creation!

As we are at the start of the year, people are all about setting goals and making resolutions.  Although January is a great month to start, in reality you can create your vision board at any time.  All you need is a board, a space where you can see it and then a visual representation of what your goals are for the week, month or year.  Doing a daily board is a fabulous form of procrastination as you will probably spend more time poring over how you will represent your hourly goals than actually doing anything productive. 

What the vision board will bring into your life is one place for you to house your plans, goals and successes.  It is a representation of what you want to happen.  It is also a boost for you when you look back on the things that you have already done which spurs you on.  It’s your own cheering section – you can even decorate it with pom-poms. 

For some tips on creating your vision board, check out my next blog post.

The freedom of writing things down

I have a goal-setting journal and other assorted moleskin notebooks, beautiful, magnetic-latching journals and bog-standard hardback notepads.  The intention being to write all my thoughts, plans and goals down to keep me moving on my road to success.  I start with such good intentions and idealistic hopes but within days or, if I’m lucky, weeks it’s all forgotten until the next new notebook is bought.  I don’t think I’ve ever completed one of these notebooks.

I want to change that.  I want to be able to look back on a journal as though it is a pathway through my soul.  I want to be inspired by past failures and moved by meandering thoughts that led perhaps nowhere but maybe somewhere so amazing that I have to keep that particular journal by my bed to remind myself that I can.

It’s creating another habit.  One that will free up some space in your mind and help you to sort out all those crazy ideas that zing around your head at 3 o’clock in the morning when you’re trying so desperately hard to sleep.  We need to help our brains release some of that pent-up energy and allow them to breathe. 

I’m not going buy a new journal.  I’m going to choose one that has been started and continue the story.  It doesn’t have to have a beginning, a plot or arcs.  It just has to be honest, truthful and freeing. 

What are your values?

What is important to you?   What makes you the unique and whole individual that you are?  It’s not an easy question to answer.  You really have to dig deep into what aspects of life are the ones you think: you know what, I agree or I feel comfortable because of x, y or z.

You could sit and write a list of words that you expect that people would like to hear are your values but does that mean you are being true to you?  An easy way to look at what your values are is to think about the things that annoy you, your pet hates and then, think of the opposite: that may be one of your values.

Your boss is the type of individual who places no importance on the people who make up the company you work for: neither customers, nor employees.  This really drives you crazy.  What word would you put on that?  Now, what is the opposite?

You are the type of person who will get up at 6 in the morning to go out and see a sunrise.  You enjoy the solitude of the moment: just you and the colours of the dawn.  How does that make you feel?

Friends know that when you say, ‘I’m going to get that job.’ Or ‘I’m going to pass that exam.’, that you will do it.  There will be nothing that will stand in your way.  You will stay up late, get up early and work, work, work.  What word would you put on that?

Think of all those situations in your life, good or bad, and how they shape the person you are today.  Today is the key word here because tomorrow may bring new values and you could move on from others.  Values are fluid, like life.  You have to go with the flow.

Make the list.  Write it in your phone.  Write it in a notebook.  It’s the first step to finding out what makes you tick.  

6 Steps to Finding Your Core Values

Recognising your core values is a step on the journey to a fulfilling, happy life.  When you live your true values, you feel more contented and less stressed.  How do you identify your values?  Answer these questions to help you on your way to identifying your values today.

Think of these questions in the areas of family, home, work and relationships.

1. What defines your identity?  Think of this in terms of how you see yourself and how others see you.

2. How would people describe you?  If you’re feeling brave, ask them!

3. What motivates you in the different areas of your life?

4. What makes you happy?  Why?

5. What situations makes you feel uncomfortable?  Why?

6. What are the factors that contribute to your stress? 

When you look at your answers to questions 1 to 4, some words and phrases will resonate with you.  List them as these reflect your values today. 

With questions 5 and 6, you are looking at things that are in conflict with your values.  When you are uncomfortable and stressed, you may find yourself in a scenario that conflicts with your core values.  How can you change the situation or factors?

Once you’ve identified your values, think again of the different areas of your life and see if you are living your values.  What can you to do to reflect your core values in your day-to-day life?

Values are fluid so it’s a good idea to reflect on your values regularly so you can be sure you are living your values and to see which ones have changed. 

www.oceancoaching.ie  pamela@oceancoaching.ie  

What is Coaching?

Coaching may be something you’re not very familiar with or have a vague idea about but never really thought you needed.  Coaching is something that I believe everyone deserves.  It is an opportunity for you to be truly listened to and to open up in a non-judgemental and safe space.  I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like to be heard.  Coaching will also challenge you and lead to the change you want to see in yourself.  I do know people who would shy away from this.

Although I won’t be listened to, I want to introduce you to some of the concepts of coaching.  I have decided to coach myself and document it in the form of this blog.  You are more than welcome to come along on the journey. 

What to do?

So, one of the first things you need to do is discover exactly who we are dealing with and why they want coaching.  In my case, I need coaching to give me some direction as my work life identity has changed recently.

Having made the decision to quit the job I had been doing in some form or another for the last 16 years, I need to help myself on the journey onwards and upwards.  I have to decide if I want to leave that whole part of my identity behind or if I can carry some of it with me.

My plan is to break myself down into my composite parts, have a look at the bits and then use those bits to help me with the direction I’m going take.  That sounds so easy that I think I may take the rest of the day off to think about it. 

I might need to look at procrastination too. 

Who am I?

My voice is my power.  My voice gives me the confidence to be who I am.  It is made up of every little bit of me: every experience, every hurt, every happiness, every yes, every no, every failure and every success.

My voice is me.

I wonder if it has taken me a long time to find my voice or has that time passed and now I have the confidence to use my voice.  I feel the latter is true because that voice has always been there.  The voice has sometimes been quiet and there are times when it has been loud that it has been negative.  In fact, when it was at its loudest, it seemed to be always negative.  I had allowed negative thoughts, emotions, and feelings to crowd out my voice.  But I have made a change.

I have made a choice to quieten the negative, the fears and the perceived failings.  I’ve made a choice for the positive voice to shout down the negative.  It’s not a new voice, it is just one that has taken on a new perspective.  I’m permitting the positivity to take over, to be in control; it is time.  The voice is now full of positive language, thoughts and energy.  The ideas remain the same but the words and tone used to express them are more positively weighted.

The power of our words is immense.  Whether they are the words we use to speak with others or the ones we use to speak to ourselves, they have power.  Once we realise this, we can start to harness that power and control the voice.  Our self-talk can be our biggest supporter and will us to succeed, to be the best version of ourselves, to embrace the positivity.

When we control our voice, we take control of our success.  We take control of who we present to the world and how we influence it.